im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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