eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
