my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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