So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
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