I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
