I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
he thought i was a dude.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
