dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
