I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
