Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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