it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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