It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Randomize
