My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
