Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
