dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
