dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
