I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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