my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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