apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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