Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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