OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
