but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
