the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
