he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
