They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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