24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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