Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
my shit smells like andre
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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