just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
