i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
