What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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