tonight lets celebrate not being married
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
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we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
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I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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