Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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