my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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