I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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