Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
