1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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