its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
