no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
