Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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