Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
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