Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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