Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Dick very happy bro
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
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