My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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