One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
