I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
