If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize