The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.