just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.