shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time