I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times