I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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