Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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