Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
