there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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