my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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