Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
