Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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