Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
