so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
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