Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
