I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
