Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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