Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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