I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
